This will be hard for me to explain, and harder still for most readers to grasp. The greatest ‘pain’ of my mental illness obviously could not have been purely physical . . . but it was not a purely spiritual pain either. It contained a noticeable amount of physical discomfort while being mostly spiritual discomfort. What it felt like was . . . well, imagine the life force that is through your body shifting just a little, but enough to ‘tear’ away partially from your material self. A similar feeling might be that of ‘dying inside,’ but my ‘internal death’ felt a lot stronger than that. I experienced this feeling after I had come to in the psychiatric hospital and I had the urge to go out the door and run away. I kept trying to get outside. Every time that I tried to do this, I was gently but firmly obstructed by the nursing staff. This greatest pain was my realisation that I was not free and could not be free.